i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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