There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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