my mouth tastes like poor choices
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
