We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize