so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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