I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
