in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
