I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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