What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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