I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
