hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just found puke in my bra..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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