Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
