We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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