I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
