When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Everything about him screamed your future.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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