no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
