remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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