A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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