Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This baby is an asshole
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
