So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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