Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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