smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
wakey wakey hands off snakey
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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