My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
