Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
