i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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