i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
