The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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