I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
