you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
