i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
