I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
