I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The uberlube is also flammable
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
