I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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