he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
