life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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