i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
