All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
