Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
