i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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