She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
