I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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