Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
