He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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