I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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