and you said cock pushups were impossible
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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