Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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