just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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