I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
