I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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