We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
