Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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