we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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