I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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