so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
