IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize