just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize