life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
