i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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