When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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