i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
