In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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