Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize