who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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