I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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