I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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