saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
