Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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