I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
